not in vain.
Ever since I was a little girl, writing has been my go-to method for processing. My journals/diaries have been some of my prized possessions, a close second to my many beloved books. Some days I would make multiple entries, updating (myself?) about my day in real time. The pages of those journals have heard everything from my lighthearted memories and un-exciting daily updates to tearful prayers, heartbreaks, and mental struggles. I feel things fiercely, but unfortunately haven’t always been the best at communicating those feelings verbally. Writing has been my saving grace, but also the one thing that feels most vulnerable to share. Whether it was a song I scribbled down late at night or a short story from middle school or an entry from one of my precious jounals; the thought of someone else reading them made me nauseous. It’s easy to be honest on paper- no one to downplay your big emotions or try to fix the problems.
What I have recently begun to realize is that what I value more than the safety of my privacy is being known. For the majority of my life, vulnerability has looked like sharing my feelings in scenarios where I have already calculated what the reaction will be. Almost never did I share un-processed thoughts. But the truth is, I do want to be known, and I want to be known in real time. Despite how messy or clumsy it can be, vulnerability is infinitely more freeing, I promise.
This past January I felt nudged to consider the deeper purpose behind my love for writing, stories, and most importantly, people. I began to brainstorm ways to share my writing and thoughts while also encouraging whoever might be reading them. An online diary of sorts came to mind, and I nearly talked myself out of the concept when I was reminded of a dear friend of mine’s life motto, “do it scared”.
So, here I am.
My desire is that in reading my various experiences of life that you will feel hope. Hope that you too are understood and seen and enjoyed by the creator of the universe. I know that caring can become exhausting and that choosing to love is almost never the easier option. It’s honestly been one of the most defining (and continuous!!!!) lessons of my life. I wrote this entry late November of 2020.
I don’t know who else needs to hear this but:
Your time isn’t wasted. Your efforts, the way you love, the fact that you continue to love, it is not in vain. Kindness is not weakness. Forgiveness isn’t naive. Taking every opportunity to show grace to one another doesn’t make you a pushover. There is great strength in loving people on purpose. You have got to know that you know that YOU KNOW that the prayers you pray are seen and heard by a God who is holding the situation you are praying about right now in the palm of His hand. AND!! Remember that if it doesn’t quite go to your plan, KNOW that He’s got a better one. A bigger one. A long lasting one. He never leads us to less. The words you say and the tears you cry are never unseen. They are being taken to heart by a savior and a friend who not only loves you just because, but truly (!!) delights in you. He REALLY REALLY ENJOYS YOU!! He. likes. You! And He will choose you over and over and over again. You are so loved and you are so taken care of. Maybe it’s not from the place you’ve poured your enegry/time/efforts into, and maybe not from the direction you are staring at, but just turn your head around, I promise you it’s there.
… and now for my current day concluding thoughts!!
Navigating life as a twenty-year-old is definitely not easy (for me, at least….). Neither is navigating feelings or being honest or making new friends or healing from heartbreak or deciding what I want to do with my whole life. The truth is, no matter how hard you try, life is messy. Relationships are also messy. But that’s where the beauty of it all is, in my opinion. Perfect people aren’t any fun.
I’ve only been alive for (almost) 21 years, but I’m so looking forward to sharing my various experiences of people and God and love and friendships and hobbies and boys and loss. Never ever did I imagine myself sharing my thoughts with the “whole world” (or the internet….), but here we are. I truly hope with every post that you feel a little closer to the heart of the Lord.
And a little closer to me!
Thanks for being here. I hope you’ll be back :)
